The Sleep Chronicles: How to [Not] Survive the Ultimate Failure of Your Stealthy Ninja Crib Transfer
The first step is admitting you have a problem, right? Well, my obsession with baby sleep is beyond the farthest reaches of help. I admit it. Some of you may fixate on feeding your kids. Some of you may get all kinds of hung up on car seat safety. A few of you may even stress about your own sleep. Me? I’ve been painstakingly picking apart my baby’s sleep minute by minute for her entire 9 months of existence. It’s exhausting. The absolute bane of my pathetic life and death by the clock? The ultimate failure of my stealthy ninja crib transfer.
If I’m not trying to pee alone, shove junk food in my face, or locate the nearest Starbucks for my daily re-up, I am in some varied state of panic about my daughter’s current state of [non]sleep. A state that most of us would affectionately refer to as “survival mode”. If one of us suddenly learned the secret to surviving the natural disaster that is nighttime parenting during the first year first three years, it would be their duty to share the wealth, right? Well, lucky you. Just shy of a year in the trenches and I’ve got it all figured out:
- Never ever introduce a bottle or a pacifier. This will ensure early on that your infant finds solace and sleepiness in none other than your boob and your boob only. Because baby snuggles. And raw nips. And backaches. But BABY SNUGGLES.
2. Always allow your precious smoosh to fall asleep in your lap, which happens to be in extremely close proximity to your boob. Be sure to solidify your baby’s need to find dreamland in the safety and comfort of the boppy pillow.
3. Every so often, plop your child into their crib and remind them that it is in fact not the enemy, while simultaneously showing them that it is a beautiful, expensive wolf in soft, poppy-flowered sheep’s clothing. But don’t practice sleeping them there. Because boobs. AND BABY SNUGGLES.
4. When your little one sinks into that most delicious and deepest of sleeps (in your lap), start plotting your escape. Relish in what it will look like. You float over to the crib without stepping on one solitary squeaky toy or tripping on the diaper cream you left on the floor while wrestling said child into their pajamas earlier. Whilst floating, you gently place your angel baby atop her peaceful sleep cloud and drift out of the room, unnoticed. FREEDOM!
5. Snap back to reality and begin. Wait for it… baby relatches. (Kill yourself in your mind.) Snacking. Snacking. Ok, dead asleep. Move hands and arms into position. Baby jumps. (Bang head against proverbial wall.) Wait some more. Slowly scoot your butt forward on the chair in preparation for takeoff.
6. Take the leap of faith that will make or break your entire night. Baby wiggles. Just kidding. JUST KIDDINGGGG. You’re not moving. You’re swayyyingggg. Ok, they’re buying your trickery. Proceed.
7. Hover over the crib with one or both boobs hanging out, absolutely certain that your husband is watching this circus on the baby monitor. Lower child onto mattress, and freeze in what damn well be some kind of advanced yoga position.
8. Slowly pull your arms out from under the sleeping beauty. This is it. You’re almost there. Damn you’re good. So proud.
9. <<HI MOM>>
10. Kill yourself in your mind again. Repeat as needed.
XO,
