The Back to Work Mommy Meltdown
Can we just agree that it’s too soon? I have no idea if heading back to work 3 more months from now would be any easier emotionally, but right now? My body has hardly figured out this whole postpartum thing, let alone being away from my baby for an 8 hour work day. And for the sake of this being brand new to some of us, can we also agree that “it gets easier” and “you’ll adjust” offer absolutely zero solace during this time of utter despair? Like please just let me be over here in my pity pool of tears for awhile and knock it off with your rainbows and butterflies and shit. I am amidst The Back to Work Mommy Meltdown.
The bottom line here is that returning to the workforce as a new mother has got to be hands down one of the most difficult things in the history of ever. Hi, yea, we just spent 10 months cooking this precious little person who we’ve spent the past 12 weeks getting to know and love and understand as our own. So please, rip us away from her/him before we are biologically prepared to be separated in any way. Because Capitalism. The show must go on, right?
Actually, let’s talk about that for a minute. Let’s talk about how badly we need to return to work as soon as [not] humanly possible. Because the economy might damn near collapse without our unwavering productivity and contribution. I’m sure any Mama reading this right now can attest to the fact that we are far less productive during this transition than anyone actually thinks we are. Our bosses are so excited to have us back and can’t stop flailing around stupid work phrases like “You’re going to hit the ground running!” and “You’ll get back into the swing of things!” and “Isn’t it nice to get some time adult time?” And we’re all like, “YEA!” While we sit at our desks, crying big fat crocodile tears and staring at the newly framed photos of our babes. Who are obviously starving and screaming somewhere. Alone. Without their mommies. (Yes, these are my mascara-stained visions).
Pause. Check a few emails. Pretend to care. Send 16 text messages asking how she’s doing and requesting photo evidence of life. Continue weeping.
Really. I should be keeping count of how many times in the last 3 weeks I have whined, “This is so hard” during one of my [many] working mom-related meltdowns. Is it just me? I’ve literally cried every day for the last 21, and counting. I feel like I can stare straight through my spreadsheets while I get lost in these deep dark fits of worry and longing. Every muscle in my body is tense and I feel sick until I pry her from her nanny’s arms at the end of the day. Then and only then can I feel my entire body relax. This baby is my drug. She is my fix. And every minute away from her is withdrawal. There. That’s it. The parallel I’ve been searching for. I’m a drug addict. Would you hire a drug addict? I wouldn’t. Unless of course said addict did their time in rehab and made a full recovery. Who sees where I’m going with this? Anyone? Anyone?
I have never questioned my desire to continue working as much as I do right now. But welcome to the 21st century right? All those feminist battles were fought so that people like you and me can work. Thus, no one gives a shit that we are still WOMEN. We are still responsible for bearing life, nurturing it, and holding it all together at the same time. Why can’t we acknowledge that? I’m tired of imploring women to lean in without giving consideration to the time they actually need to just check the fuck out. Where is the feminist battle for the other side of this equation? Cue the picket line. Let us raise our babies! I promise we’ll churn out much more functional, well-adjusted, contributing, non-sociopath members of society if we quit trying to convince ourselves that we need to just cry it out, adjust, and get on with our lives. So no, I do not condone the CIO method for babies OR their mamas.. it’s just not healthy!
So I am here to offer some solidarity, Mama. To remind you that you are not crying at your desk alone, missing your baby with every bone of your body. To tell you that you are doing an amazing job of not only being the moon and stars to your child, but also providing for them everyday. I think we’d be hard pressed to find a mother who disagrees with the idea that we’re taken away from our babies too soon. So what do those silver lining bullshitters say again? Oh right, snuggle your littles extra hard when you get home. And don’t blink because you might miss even more than you’re already missing.
Oh and in a moment of weakness, know that I am 100% absolutely drinking my feelings right now too. I don’t care what time it is. This is a judge-free zone. Pour another.
XO,
